The Black Plague Can Turn Even the Strongest into Sniveling Babies
by SkyChasingDreamer
Summary: Gintoki and the kids are sick and it doesn't help when one unwanted person after another keeps coming into his apartment uninvited. HAPPY BIRTHDAY GINTOKI!


**Title: **The Black Plague Can Turn Even the Strongest into Sniveling Whiny Babies**  
>Pairing: <strong>GinHiji - loosely hinted at**  
>Rated: <strong>T**  
>Disclaimer: <strong>No**  
>For: <strong>Gintoki's birthday!

**The Black Plague Can Turn Even the Strongest into Sniveling Whiny Babies**

Everything was so quiet, but so _loud_ at the same time. Sounds that shouldn't be heard or noticed by him felt like torture now. He couldn't sleep, though he wanted to, he wanted to more than anything, but there was too much white noise and commotion in his dark room. There was a little light, but not much, and anymore would likely hurt his head. He was a simple man, but he suddenly had a lot of needs in the moment, mostly because he couldn't breathe.

"Guh-chan..."

Was that Kagura's voice? He couldn't tell because of the ringing clogging up his ears and the way the voice was so backed up with snot. Besides, there was no way that voice could be speaking at him because he was currently preparing to meet the sugar gods and his name wasn't Guh.

"Guhhhh-chaaaaan!"

There it was again and something was touching his leg, which he feebly kicked at. His head was spinning, his skin clammy, his stomach roiling, and his nose so stuffy, again, he could hardly breathe. And when he did manage to take a breath, it sounded like a muted, pathetic wheeze. Muted because he couldn't hear a damn thing, his ears were so stuffed with cotton balls. Heh, cotton balls. In his ears. What a way to go. He knew they weren't actually cotton balls, but his ears did feel stuffed with something fuzzy and cotton balls was the most amusing – balls were always amusing, plus, this fic could probably use some jokes about balls here and there – so he was going to stick with that.

A shadow loomed over him then, he only knew because his eyes – surrounded by a nasty crust – were cracked open so he could stare blankly at the wooden expanse of the ceiling above him. If he was going to die slowly, he wanted to see the world when he took his final wheezing breath. Even if his current world only consisted of the ceiling and now a shadow.

"Gin-sauuun," the shadow said.

He could have figured out who it was if he only turned his head, but moving would mean unleashing the build up of snot in his nose unto the world and he just couldn't deal with that shit right now. "Go 'way!"

A foot kicked him hard in the side causing him to expel his lungfuls of air and ah, there went the snot. It shot out in streams, covering his chin and neck, even going far enough to mess the collar of his pajamas. Not that he could care because he was too busy coughing so hard it felt like his spleen might be coming up. The coughing only brought forth more snot, his bone jarring heaves and wheezes sounding inhuman through his ear cotton balls.

"Gin-SAUUUUUN!"

It was the shadow, bellowing at him this time as something soft was thrown into his face. Tissues, he realized after bringing a hand up to touch. With absolutely no coordination to speak of, he wiped his face and neck until there was nothing left but a crumpled and torn ball of the tissue.

"Wha...?" he managed to slur out, blinking rapidly for a blurry version of Shinpachi towering over him to come into focus. He squinted and Shinpachi's big red nose, puffy, bloodshot eyes, and pale skin that was only offset by his cheeks that were flushed. "You 'ook 'ike shiiit."

That earned him another kick and he grunted, rolling onto his side, attempting to roll away. Instead, he rolled on top of someone else and after catching sight of lots of red, he knew it was Kagura. She was splayed out on the floor, just like himself, half on the futon and half off.

"Guh-chan..." she wheezed pathetically, "carr... a... priest..."

He just continued to roll over her in slow flops, he was pretty sure he wanted to go to the bathroom, but after a few more flops – eventually leaving Kagura behind – he wasn't so sure. He was aware that Shinpachi was following him, matching each one of his flops with a step, but he was too intent on his task to care. When he reached the door, he grunted, spewing up more snot, and scrambled against the wall, trying to stand. It wasn't until he finally sat up that he realized he was on the wrong side of the room.

"Nuuuu," he groaned, reaching forlornly to the door he wanted with an outstretched arm.

Shinpachi said something he didn't catch and then his leg was snagged and he was being dragged out of his room. He grumbled and sputtered out a trail of snot, but let himself be pulled from the room, bumping into Kagura's motionless body on the way. She didn't twitch or react upon contact, so Gintoki could only assume that the plague had taken her to the sukonbu gods already. His door was opened, creating a slight pause that hindered them on their way to the living room... where Otae was sitting on a sofa, a white surgical mask covering her mouth and nose. Shinpachi let go of his leg and it fell to the floor with a low thud that he barely heard through the cotton balls.

"It's worse than I thought," Otae announced, crossing her arms as her eyes narrowed at him. "What did you do?"

"Wha...?"

He seemed to be muttering that a lot, but that was only because he had no idea what was going on. He had snot constantly dripping from his nose, he felt too warm, his tummy hurt, he could barely hear, he had to pee, and people were wanting things from him! Couldn't he just be left alone to drown in his own snot or sleep until he felt better? Was that so much to ask?

"Don't you 'wha' me," Otae snapped. "You're all sick!"

He flopped around on his back. "How izzat my fau't?"

Why couldn't he pronounce his 'L's? It made him sound stupid and his face screwed up sourly because of it, which probably made him look the picture of unattractive, not that he gave a shit with the way he was feeling. Might as well sport a look to match the pandemonium running rampant through his body. There was more light in the living room, so actually, scrunching up his face helped his eyes stop burning because of the onslaught, he much preferred the dark cavern that was his room.

"It's somehow always your fault!"

Shinpachi nodded sagely, sniffling into a tissue, and Gintoki glared at him muttering, "Traitor."

Before Shinpachi could answer, Otae asked sharply, "What happened yesterday?"

Yesterday? That seemed like such a long time ago, how was he supposed to remember that far back?

"Uhh... a job...?" To him, it seemed like a fair guess, especially since his brain was still half-asleep – never mind that the word job had sounded more like yob.

"Boat," Shinpachi supplied and Gintoki had to commend him for getting the word out somewhat clearly.

But, ah! Right, the boat! Oh, now he remembered perfectly! They'd had to get up before the sun rose and go to the Edo bay where they boarded a ship which they then spent all day on. Due to a recent storm, a fishing boat had been short staffed and needed to get a lot of fishing done to make up for time lost to the storm. It had been terrible! Gintoki had been freezing in the morning, boiling in the afternoon, and he'd had to wear stupid yellow overalls made of rubber. The work had been strenuous and... he paused and looked at the palm of one of his hands, all the blisters were still there.

Groaning, his head hit the floor and he moaned louder as it sent a shock into his brain, feeding his headache. It was no wonder he felt so hot! As he recalled he'd gotten a sunburn the day before since he'd given his floppy straw hat to Kagura. Even with her umbrella, the heat in the afternoon had really taken its toll on her, though he'd made sure to keep her well hydrated and give her tasks that kept her in any shade available. Which kind of sucked because that left a lot of the grunt work to himself. She was a Yato, she enjoyed that kind of heaving and hoeing, to-ing and fro-ing. There was no mystery why he felt like such crap! He was fucking sore from so much labor!

The only good thing about the job had come at the end where they'd been cooked dinner, free of charge. They'd been able to eat as much as they wanted, which they'd taken advantage of since they were all famished by that point. The food had been delicious, he remembered, and the shower he'd taken when he'd gotten back to the apartment had been one of the best showers he'd ever had by himself. Washing off all that salt and brine, which had clung to him in a sticky sheet, was like becoming a new person afterward! And it had been so late that Shinpachi had stayed the night, so he'd seen both the kids to bed before collapsing and waking up feeling as he currently did.

"Fishhhing," he slurred out, having to suck in a big, loud breath to keep some snot at bay.

"On a boat," Shinpachi added unhelpfully as he sat down on the sofa opposite his sister, Gintoki didn't bother getting up off the floor.

Otae leered at him. "So... you were all working yesterday?"

He nodded fervently, the motion making him dizzy, but she needed to understand that this wasn't his fault! "Too mu'h sun!"

"The sun doesn't make people sick!"

"S-seasick," he grumbled back, mind working to come up with anything she might accept.

His life was on the line! If she called bullshit, _he'd_ be the one getting the rap for it all!

"Hmm..." She continued to stare at him through narrowed eyes, her fingers on one hand drumming against her arm while he just laid there on the floor in a heap. "Well... I guess now we'll just focus on getting you guys fixed up." She sighed and stood, then pointed a finger at him. "I still think this is your fault though." He nodded fervently again because yes, good, that was okay. He would take the blame without complaint so long as he didn't get the shit and snot kicked out of him! "Right, then I'll just whip up a nutritious meal to get you on the right track."

"Nuuuu!" Gintoki screeched, his stomach flipping in disgust at just the thought of the smell of burnt eggs.

The front door burst open suddenly and Kyuubei strode in, a dark aura surrounding her as she cracked her knuckles, staring him down with a bottomless eye that gleamed dangerously. "What did you just say?"

He flailed, scrambling away and sputtering out, "S-starving! Mmm O-Otae coo-king!"

His speech was broken by coughs and his voice cracked, but Kyuubei must have understood because her intent to kill went down at least sixty percent.

"Good afternoon, Kyuu-chan," Otae greeted, her eyes crinkling in a way that said she was smiling under her mask.

_ Of course_ she was all smiles for Kyuubei and all aggression and frowns toward him. Heaven forbid she treat him kindly! But... wait...

"Afta-noon?"

Otae glared at him. "It's almost one! You've been lazing around almost half the day!"

Sighing, Gintoki threw an arm over his face, his headache getting worse with each second spent in daylight –

"Why's the door open? Did I hear something about food?"

– and with each stupid person that kept showing up!

"Go 'way, madao," he groused, waving his free hand.

Footsteps thudded against the floor. "Gin-san? What're you doing on the floor?"

"Siiiiiick."

"I know just the thing! Stay right here!"

Now _that _made Gintoki remove his arm because his stomach absolutely plummeted – he had a bad feeling about this. Hasegawa was already heading toward the kitchen and there was no use in trying to call him back, so Gintoki cussed and went slack. Shinpachi, he noticed, had followed Otae and he was hopefully talking his sister out of cooking anything. Kyuubei was with them and unfortunately, she was probably trying to talk Otae _into_ cooking something. His only hope was that Kyuubei would want to eat it all and not share.

Grumbling to himself, he took to staring blindly at the ceiling, ailing in silence. All the noise was making his head pound and he was starting to feel like he might hurl at any moment. What could have done this? One of them, okay, but all three? It had to be something they'd all been exposed to and that list was just way too long for his feeble mind to consider. His eyes slipped shut and he felt tired despite how long he'd slept. The snot continuing to build up in his nose was disgusting, he could feel the slimy stuff coating his throat as well, making him swallow more frequently, not that it helped.

"Where's my rent?"

Gintoki's stomach sank to the very pits of hell as he slit his eyes open and found himself practically looking up the deep caverns of Otose's nostrils. Could this day get any worse? Not only did he feel wretched, but everyone had apparently decided it was the best day to come bother him.

"Nuu," he whined, attempting to roll onto his side to get away.

She prodded him with a foot. "Don't make me ask twice."

"Here we go, try this!" Hasegawa said, squatting next to him.

Gintoki might have been glad for the interruption had the stupid madao not shoved a huge leek into his mouth. _Leek_! How – what the – who did shit like that? He tried to spit it out, but Hasegawa had a hand on his jaw helping him chew and it was practically choking him. From somewhere in the kitchen something exploded and a vile black smoke came out of the hall rising toward the ceiling, not that he could see it too well since his eyes were currently seeping water courtesy of the nasty leek in his mouth. Clawing at Hasegawa was useless, his fingers couldn't find a grip and he was too disoriented to coordinate himself. He coughed and gagged until he was forced to swallow the damn thing, nearly gagging on it since it was barely chewed.

"I ha'e you," he hissed as best he could past the big ball of snot in his throat.

Hasegawa blinked at him. "Did it... not work?"

His stomach felt like it was on fire! Hell no it didn't work! He shook his head violently and started coughing again, thick streams of wet boogers slowly oozing and drippingout of his nose with the movement.

"Oh... okay, wait here! I've got something else to try!"

_Wait here._

Like Gintoki was going anywhere!

He wiped the moisture away from his eyes, his nose, tongue, throat, tummy, and skin burning and his cracked, chapped lips throbbing. He wanted to kick all the intruders out, wanted to go curl up in bed under his covers. Everything hurt, even worse now that he'd been forced into eating a goddamn leek. His ears were still fuzzy... but not fuzzy enough to miss the sound of a voice he hadn't thought he'd hear today.

"What's all the racket in here, ahhn?"

Gintoki forced his head up to find that, indeed, the Shinsengumi had arrived. Hijikata walked in, Okita trailing right after, and before his fellow sadist managed to utter a single word, Kagura burst from Gintoki's room, the handle of a Patriot clutched in both hands like one would hold an ax.

"Aw, did the baby just wake up?" Okita asked, his voice smothered in faux sweetness.

A bubble of snot grew out of Kagura's left nostril and popped, covering part of her cheek. "Onry one saaadist ish arrowed here."

Okita put a hand over his mouth and cooed, "Oh, isn't that cute? It speaks!"

With a war cry that sounded more like a gurgling blow horn, Kagura charged, wielding the Patriot with a strange clumsy finesse. Gintoki quickly lost interest in that though, his eyes strayed to Hijikata and there was almost something like relief threatening to bloom in his gut. Surely Hijikata wouldn't let anyone do something like shove leeks in his mouth and force him to swallow! He was saved! Hijikata would be his savior and everything would be alright!

But Hijikata... wasn't coming over to him...?

"Oi, oi! Put the fire out! No, don't use water! Use baking soda, less smoke that way! No, not that, I said soda, not powder!"

Defeated, Gintoki reverted back into a lump on the floor, not that he was given even a moment to himself.

"Here, Gin-san! This should work!"

And then Gintoki nearly flew out of his skin when something freezing and wet touch one of his feet. He screeched something thick and phlegm filled as he flopped and rolled away as best he could.

"Socks?" Gintoki hollered, sounding mortified.

"Yeah," Hasegawa replied like it was obvious. "Wet socks are supposed to be good for sick people."

"N-nu!" Gintoki kicked at the sodden socks Hasegawa kept trying to move closer. "Get 'way!"

A crash made them both jump and he didn't even bother looking, he didn't want to risk taking his eyes off Hasegawa, not for a second. Out of his peripherals he could see the Patriot slide across the floor closer to him, but no, he wasn't going to look. He kept scrambling and flopping until he first sat up, then stood, so urgent was his need to get away. His head spun as his blood rushed, but at least he was able to move!

"Just try it!" Hasegawa cajoled, also standing, socks in hand.

"Nu!"

"It might work!"

"Nuuu!"

"Natural perm!" Hijikata interceded, coming over and glaring with haughty gunmetal eyes. "Is this your idea of –" Almost immediately, Hijikata coiled. "You look like shit."

"Feel dat way, too," Gintoki mumbled back and fell on his ass with an _eep_.

Hasegawa was pushed away, much to Gintoki's relief, and Hijikata knelt down next to him. His forehead was felt by cool fingers and he relished in the contact for the brief time it was there. Wordlessly, Hijikata was grumbling things as he tugged the Patriot closer and grimaced whenever he looked at Gintoki.

Sighing heavily, Hijikata pulled a tissue from the right side of the Patriot and shoved it into Gintoki's hand. "Here."

"Bu –"

"Just use it!" Hijikata snapped.

It was in his nature to rise and clash with Hijikata, but he knew that with the state he was in, he would lose spectacularly. So, there was nothing to do except what Hijikata told him. Taking a deep breath, Gintoki put the tissue over his nose and blew as hard as he could.

Everything probably would have been fine if the loudest, most disruptive and drawn out _HONK_ hadn't come out of him. He was so blocked up that no matter how hard he blew, not all the snot came out, just really fucked up honking noises. It was like a trumpet was going off repeatedly in his apartment, but he didn't give up because he wanted to _breathe,_ damnit!

So the Gintoki solo concerto went something like this:

_Honk._

_ Honk. Hooonk._

_ Hooonk. Hoooonk._

_ HOOOOONK._

_ HONK._

_ Honk-honk-honk-honk-honk – _

Hijikata hit Gintoki so hard in the jaw with the Patriot that he went flying and crashed into the floor in a twitching, half-blacked out mass. Gintoki wasn't getting up and everyone in the room was staring at Hijikata, some of their mouths open in horror, others in shock.

"I-I had to put him out of his misery!" Hijikata blurted. He nervously straightened out the wrinkles from his uniform reiterating, "I did him a favor!"

"You did us all a favor," Otose rasped, a plume of smoke from the pipe she'd lit following the words.

She looked like she was seconds away from pinching the bridge of her nose and shaking her head. Gintoki could see her through his fringe and remained unmoving, his body slack and limp and hurting.

"You know..." Kyuubei said timidly when the silence that followed had stretched a good minute, "the market down the street is having a sale on Bargain Dash and Chuuberts."

The words seemed to set everyone free.

Okita shoved Kagura away and went for the door saying, "Things I need."

"Things you _don't _need! You have work to do," Hijikata snarled, going after him.

"Good idea, Kyuu-chan," Otae said, taking Kyuubei's hand – making her blush – and leading the way out.

"Anyone willing to buy me some," asked Hasegawa as he ran out after them.

"What I need is better smokes," Otose said, also heading out. But she paused after only two steps and fixed Gintoki with a look that would have killed if he didn't already have a foot in the grave. "I'll be back for that rent."

Shinpachi, his deathly pale face covered in black soot and his hair blasted back, tottered over to collapse on the nearest sofa. It would have been blessedly silent then if there weren't one more person left suffering.

"Guhhh-chaaan," Kagura gurgled, slowly crawling across the floor to where Gintoki had started twitching uselessly.

It took what felt like centuries for her to reach his side and when she did, she went still.

He didn't move.

Shinpachi didn't move.

Kagura didn't move.

Gintoki was sure none of them could move if they tried, so he surrendered himself to the black plague that had a hold on the three of them and blacked out.

-o-O-o-

When next Gintoki woke, he was still warm, but this time, it was a comfortable warmth. His head didn't hurt so bad, his innards weren't burning, and he could breathe better, too. It felt like Kagura was still next to him and... Shinpachi was on his other side now?

Slowly blinking his eyes open, finding no crust trying to fuse them shut, he glanced around. He was in his room and it was dark, so it took a moment for his eyes to fully adjust. While they were adjusting, he tried sitting up and found the movement easy with only a slight soreness making him grunt. Shinpachi really was next to him, as was Kagura, the three of them sharing his futon with his comforter tucked in around them. His stomach growled and fuck, something smelled good, but the delicious smell was mingled with other smells.

Eyes adjusted, he followed the smell and turned around to find a whole slew of things lined up above their heads. There was a basket full of dango, a small pile of sukonbu, a thermos labeled 'soup,' a mass white rice in a bowl made of cardboard, a plate of burnt eggs, and sticky notes for each one. Turning all the way around so he could rest on his stomach, he leaned in closer to read the notes that were sticking to different things.

_Don't eat too many or you'll make yourselves sick again_, the one on the dango read. In the corner of this note there was a tiny mayonnaise bottle drawn and a tiny message written at the bottom. _Be back to see you later, bastard._

The sukonbu one said, _To give China something to suck on._

He scoffed when he read the one on the soup: _The rent is due._

_Nutrients to keep your strength up,_ read the one resting atop the shriveled pile of burnt eggs.

There was an extra sticky note just off to the side of the plate that said in a neat script, _There's Bargain Dash and Chuuberts in the freezer_.

_White rice with a splash of vinegar, it'll help, I swear!_ Nose scrunching, Gintoki sniffed the rice and recoiled before pushing it back a ways.

Even though the influences of the sickness were still on him and he was still mildly pissed off about what happened earlier, Gintoki smashed his face into his pillow and hid the smile wanting to creep onto his face.

**The End**


End file.
